...Leaving Formal Education...

Left school... miss it so much... I cryed... =[ .

Heres the quote I have had on my msn awhile:

"... Perhaps we will forget tomorrow, and the kind words of today. But we will always cherish the memorys of our past 12J..."

...Nervous Breakdown...

Oks... basically I am scared as hell now. After last week traumatizing test of the non-calculator maths exam, being completely unexpected, and having barely anything we understood in it. I have been thrown off completely. So now I am freaking out.

My Calculator exam is on the 1st, at 9:30am. I am so scared that I will fail. Most people are only aiming for their C grades. But I need a B, but preferably an A to do A-level maths. And last weeks test wasn't exactly easy for me, so I need to do EXTREMELY well in this exam to pull it up. If I want a B over all in my GCSE maths, then I need a B in the exams. If I want an A, I need an A in the exams. It's so scary... I don't care if I have to do OCR. But if I got a C in it, and I couldn't take it for A-level I would re-sit the whole Maths GCSE because I couldn't handle not doing it at A-level. The reason for this is because I need Maths to help me comprehend Physics. So if I take Physics A-level, and I don't have the Maths one, I will most likely fail my A-level.

I finally learned how to do simultaneous equations, quadratic equations, and advanced fraction-anated algebraic equations with ease, which I am euphorical about. As they are highly likely to come up in my exam! I need a little practice on my frustum's and truncated parts, and a little on straight line graphs, but other than that I have revised my ass off. And I will still me all weekend. I will be in on Monday morning freaking out about the exam, most likely in tears with my Maths teacher Kerian, begging him to cheat like Peter and Tervr did in the R.E and Business Studies exams, by going in and looking at the test before the exam. Then coming out and telling us what is on the test, so we can revise it quickly before we go in.

I swear I bet I will cry my eyes out on Monday. I really hope Kerian will still help me on Monday morning before the exam....

That reminds me, I have grown to love Kerian, and hes became my favorite teacher, and I told him to his face, and now he has a little letter confirming it, so he'll always remember me. I also drew him a picture and wrote a poem on it, for him so he can remember me if I don't come back next year. (The picture at the top.)

So yeah basically I am gonna' have a nervous breakdown...

Love.

x

... GCSE art, and all the exams...

So... GCSE art is now over! Fini! Of course the examiner is coming in, either next week, or the week after, to moderate our work to make sure everything is being fairly marked. My Mental Health Exam is being moderated! Ahh! and the Final piece isn't done, as you can see! => Although it only needs a touch up here and there, if you know what I mean. I am just so happy that it's OVER! But, I was dissapointed the day I had to hand it all in, as I hadn't slept for over 48 hours, and I still wasn't completely happy with my projects standards. The only good thing was my Pencil Study page, for my unit three. (up at the top) It came out how I like my work to look.

Oh! also! My clay pot is done! for my unit two... it blew up in the kiln, so the side was distroyed, but I stuck it back on, and painted it, and the out come is above.

Yeah...

Oh! Another few things to mention, I came second in my school poerty compotition. =D Yay! Niall Scott deserved to win. Umm... L.L.W exam on the 6th of May, R.E on the 12th of May, I am choosing my A-levels on the 14th of May, and I am on study leave from the 14th also.

Yeah... so thats it so far!

... Perfectionism is distroying me ...

I am a perfectionist... an extremly insecure one. I fear everyone judging me. I hate people who dislike me. As I know their judging me... and that makes me even more insecure. I fight with myself mentally and physically to make my strengths stronger, and my weaknesses surpass themselves. But that slowly deteriorates my soul. People telling me that what I do is good, doesn't satisfie me. I was told by my teachers in primary school, that I was hardworking, but never happy with my outcome. And even now, I get told by my teachers. And Anne... as I am sure you know is a very wise lady. And she said on one of my essays "I bet Martine, if this was an A* YOU would still find a reason to put it down, as you would still want it to be higher than it can possibly be".
And she was right, I distroy myself. I distroy my soul, I distroy every bit of spirit I have, to surpass myself, to the point of where I breakdown. And it took alot for me to admit recently I couldn't cope. I have pride, which I lost by saying that. And I still am trying to prove it was just a moment of weakness.
As my biggest fear in the world, is failure. I am frightened... of failing... and becoming average... I just cannot bare it. I cannot bare people thinking of me either. As it is my biggest insecurity to be judged as I said before.
So... it is self-distruction that I am preforming right now... everything to prove to the world, that even with my faults of perfectionism, dislexia and everything else that is a flaw to me. That I am above average. And I will do everything even out of my power to prove it.
But in the end... I know... I trying... not to prove it to everyone, to my teachers, to the world.
But instead to myself.
But it is my perfectionism... that stops me from being happy... it distroys everything I have ever been happy about achieving...
so... i am hopeless.
I will never be who I want to be... because of my biggest insecurity... my biggest flaw... perfectionism.

...Contemplation...

...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are freed from our own fear, our presence automatically frees others....

x

...Recently...

One thing really... lookies! Dry point prints are being done, this is one!

Ahh the good old Easter holidays... I cannot help myself, but think of the horror I face when we start back to school on the 20th.

"All unit one, two, and three have to be handed in and completed by this date." I can still hear Joannes voice in my head constantly repeating it.

"We have at least six more things to learn on this modual! And we are not even close to moving on!" I still have playing in my mind. Kieran and his ine-bloody-qualitys....

"WE HAVE A WHOLE SECTION OF PHYSICS TO GET THROUGH! The forces and motion are harder than eletricity! And half of this class haven't been here for the first section of physics, and the last section of chemistry!" Emma... screaming at the top of her voice....

"An hour and a half left of class before your exam! How will I teach you if you's don't come for after school revision?" Complains Peter over, and over again.

And thats only four subjects, imagine the others....

x

Life...

Well citizens of the corrupted society we live in, life has got, worse, better, worse, better and worse again!

I never finished my art exam! I had ten hours to complete my AO board, oil painting, and the exam finished on the 30th of March.... I never even got half way through... as you can see!

Then my best friend Aiden... he got moved into foundation teir revision classes! I mean what the hell! For one, Kieran Coyle our maths teacher, is one prejudgemental, and vindictive. He is a controvertist! You know those kinds of people, who always find something wrong with everyone, out to find everyones imperfection, even though they too have their imperfections. Who do this out of insecurity in themselves and then have a cheek to make everyone else around them feel bad about themself. Thats Kiean basically.... He and Fingers, they both put him in foundation teir revision classes. And now I have found out that they have put him in for foundation teir exams! Well this annoys me so much, as the fact is, is that they both are sadistic and blind to see that Aiden is capable of so much more! And I am going to help him prove them wrong!

Another thing to say, I finally got my Unit 1 plastic for my dray point prints! Yay! I did both of my samples, so theres a photo for yous! And the girl I am etching is Utada Hikaru, go look her up! =]

So.. yeah... I don't wanna' really ramble about Obama going to help the muslims reconcile with Isreal. So... yeah....

Love, cuddles and kisses.

x