... Perfectionism is distroying me ...

I am a perfectionist... an extremly insecure one. I fear everyone judging me. I hate people who dislike me. As I know their judging me... and that makes me even more insecure. I fight with myself mentally and physically to make my strengths stronger, and my weaknesses surpass themselves. But that slowly deteriorates my soul. People telling me that what I do is good, doesn't satisfie me. I was told by my teachers in primary school, that I was hardworking, but never happy with my outcome. And even now, I get told by my teachers. And Anne... as I am sure you know is a very wise lady. And she said on one of my essays "I bet Martine, if this was an A* YOU would still find a reason to put it down, as you would still want it to be higher than it can possibly be".
And she was right, I distroy myself. I distroy my soul, I distroy every bit of spirit I have, to surpass myself, to the point of where I breakdown. And it took alot for me to admit recently I couldn't cope. I have pride, which I lost by saying that. And I still am trying to prove it was just a moment of weakness.
As my biggest fear in the world, is failure. I am frightened... of failing... and becoming average... I just cannot bare it. I cannot bare people thinking of me either. As it is my biggest insecurity to be judged as I said before.
So... it is self-distruction that I am preforming right now... everything to prove to the world, that even with my faults of perfectionism, dislexia and everything else that is a flaw to me. That I am above average. And I will do everything even out of my power to prove it.
But in the end... I know... I trying... not to prove it to everyone, to my teachers, to the world.
But instead to myself.
But it is my perfectionism... that stops me from being happy... it distroys everything I have ever been happy about achieving...
so... i am hopeless.
I will never be who I want to be... because of my biggest insecurity... my biggest flaw... perfectionism.

...Contemplation...

...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are freed from our own fear, our presence automatically frees others....

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...Recently...

One thing really... lookies! Dry point prints are being done, this is one!

Ahh the good old Easter holidays... I cannot help myself, but think of the horror I face when we start back to school on the 20th.

"All unit one, two, and three have to be handed in and completed by this date." I can still hear Joannes voice in my head constantly repeating it.

"We have at least six more things to learn on this modual! And we are not even close to moving on!" I still have playing in my mind. Kieran and his ine-bloody-qualitys....

"WE HAVE A WHOLE SECTION OF PHYSICS TO GET THROUGH! The forces and motion are harder than eletricity! And half of this class haven't been here for the first section of physics, and the last section of chemistry!" Emma... screaming at the top of her voice....

"An hour and a half left of class before your exam! How will I teach you if you's don't come for after school revision?" Complains Peter over, and over again.

And thats only four subjects, imagine the others....

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Life...

Well citizens of the corrupted society we live in, life has got, worse, better, worse, better and worse again!

I never finished my art exam! I had ten hours to complete my AO board, oil painting, and the exam finished on the 30th of March.... I never even got half way through... as you can see!

Then my best friend Aiden... he got moved into foundation teir revision classes! I mean what the hell! For one, Kieran Coyle our maths teacher, is one prejudgemental, and vindictive. He is a controvertist! You know those kinds of people, who always find something wrong with everyone, out to find everyones imperfection, even though they too have their imperfections. Who do this out of insecurity in themselves and then have a cheek to make everyone else around them feel bad about themself. Thats Kiean basically.... He and Fingers, they both put him in foundation teir revision classes. And now I have found out that they have put him in for foundation teir exams! Well this annoys me so much, as the fact is, is that they both are sadistic and blind to see that Aiden is capable of so much more! And I am going to help him prove them wrong!

Another thing to say, I finally got my Unit 1 plastic for my dray point prints! Yay! I did both of my samples, so theres a photo for yous! And the girl I am etching is Utada Hikaru, go look her up! =]

So.. yeah... I don't wanna' really ramble about Obama going to help the muslims reconcile with Isreal. So... yeah....

Love, cuddles and kisses.

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