I am a perfectionist... an extremly insecure one. I fear everyone judging me. I hate people who dislike me. As I know their judging me... and that makes me even more insecure. I fight with myself mentally and physically to make my strengths stronger, and my weaknesses surpass themselves. But that slowly deteriorates my soul. People telling me that what I do is good, doesn't satisfie me. I was told by my teachers in primary school, that I was hardworking, but never happy with my outcome. And even now, I get told by my teachers. And Anne... as I am sure you know is a very wise lady. And she said on one of my essays "I bet Martine, if this was an A* YOU would still find a reason to put it down, as you would still want it to be higher than it can possibly be".
And she was right, I distroy myself. I distroy my soul, I distroy every bit of spirit I have, to surpass myself, to the point of where I breakdown. And it took alot for me to admit recently I couldn't cope. I have pride, which I lost by saying that. And I still am trying to prove it was just a moment of weakness.
As my biggest fear in the world, is failure. I am frightened... of failing... and becoming average... I just cannot bare it. I cannot bare people thinking of me either. As it is my biggest insecurity to be judged as I said before.
So... it is self-distruction that I am preforming right now... everything to prove to the world, that even with my faults of perfectionism, dislexia and everything else that is a flaw to me. That I am above average. And I will do everything even out of my power to prove it.
But in the end... I know... I trying... not to prove it to everyone, to my teachers, to the world.
But instead to myself.
But it is my perfectionism... that stops me from being happy... it distroys everything I have ever been happy about achieving...
so... i am hopeless.
I will never be who I want to be... because of my biggest insecurity... my biggest flaw... perfectionism.
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